Today we did what we always do on Fridays, we went out for lunch with some of our favorite friends. And for the first time, I was aware someone was very aware of us.
Normally I am oblivious to everybody around us, and I really don't worry too much about what other people are thinking of me and my little family and our friends. I have made it a point not to make too much eye contact with other people while we are at lunch because if they are disapproving or curious I just don't think we should have to deal with it; that's their problem. So I usually just have a great time, laughing and eating and enjoying myself.
But today somebody made a special point of staring. They must have been doing it for quite a while because like I said, I never notice. It was like this person and her friends at her table, which was about ten feet from ours, wanted to make sure I knew they were watching us. At first I thought, maybe they know us and I panicked for a second because at a quick glance I didn't recognize any of them. Then I started to feel uncomfortable, and I realized that this is what that person wanted me to feel. Because the look of... disapproval and disgust on her face, and on the faces of her friends that kept turning around to look at us, was pretty clear.
"Do you know me?" I mouthed to her. She paused for a second and glanced over her shoulder to see if I was talking to her. She looked back at me again. I repeated, "Do you know me?" She shook her head. I mouthed back, "Okay, just checking, because I saw you looking at me for a while." She just kind of raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. We were getting ready to leave, and I wondered if I should go say something to this person, but frankly, I didn't know what to say.
Now, you would have to be a very sheltered person and not go out in public much not to realize there is something very different about my son. He wasn't being loud, certainly not any louder than other kids in the restaurant. My little guy is very gregarious, laughs a lot, and acts just plain goofy sometimes. It's pretty clear there's something different going on with him, that he isn't misbehaving, that he has his own spin on things.
As we were walking to the car, I pondered what was so disturbing to that woman in the restaurant, what could have made her stare at us, what made her friends keep turning around, all looking so.... put out by our presence. Was it that they thought my son wasn't "acting right" and that my husband and I weren't being good parents, weren't being strict enough with him? Although this is probably the most likely answer, it seems pretty unwarranted on this day.
I am probably being a little paranoid here, but something just doesn't make sense. Since I've not encountered this type of attitude before (although it could be around me all the time, like I said, I am purposely oblivious to typical people's reactions), I really started to wonder. Could it have been that the people at the other table didn't think we, as a family, should be out in public because my son isn't "normal"? That we had no business going out for lunch where everybody could see us? That they preferred we stayed home, out of sight?
Since I don't know the answer and never will, I thought, I will be ready next time. Next time, I will get up from my seat, walk over to the table of gawkers, and introduce myself. I will say, "I'm sorry, I saw you watching at us and I figured you must know me but I'm afraid I can't place you." If they have the decency to be uncomfortable at that point, I will just apologize and say, "My mistake, enjoy your lunch." But if they answer back with anything -- ANYTHING -- that has to do with my son or my friends I will make sure to let them know that these children have autism, and they love coming to lunch. And they have just as much right to come to Cracker Barrel and anywhere else they like to go. And I will tell those people that they'd better get used to it, because we are not going to keep our children home. And then I will call my little guy over and I will introduce him, and I will say, it was nice to meet you all.
Because I am going to show my son we have better manners than those that would stare and be disapproving of a seven year old boy who is laughing and enjoying his mashed potatoes and being out on a sunny day for lunch with this friends.
I will be ready next time.
Normally I am oblivious to everybody around us, and I really don't worry too much about what other people are thinking of me and my little family and our friends. I have made it a point not to make too much eye contact with other people while we are at lunch because if they are disapproving or curious I just don't think we should have to deal with it; that's their problem. So I usually just have a great time, laughing and eating and enjoying myself.
But today somebody made a special point of staring. They must have been doing it for quite a while because like I said, I never notice. It was like this person and her friends at her table, which was about ten feet from ours, wanted to make sure I knew they were watching us. At first I thought, maybe they know us and I panicked for a second because at a quick glance I didn't recognize any of them. Then I started to feel uncomfortable, and I realized that this is what that person wanted me to feel. Because the look of... disapproval and disgust on her face, and on the faces of her friends that kept turning around to look at us, was pretty clear.
"Do you know me?" I mouthed to her. She paused for a second and glanced over her shoulder to see if I was talking to her. She looked back at me again. I repeated, "Do you know me?" She shook her head. I mouthed back, "Okay, just checking, because I saw you looking at me for a while." She just kind of raised her eyebrows and pursed her lips. We were getting ready to leave, and I wondered if I should go say something to this person, but frankly, I didn't know what to say.
Now, you would have to be a very sheltered person and not go out in public much not to realize there is something very different about my son. He wasn't being loud, certainly not any louder than other kids in the restaurant. My little guy is very gregarious, laughs a lot, and acts just plain goofy sometimes. It's pretty clear there's something different going on with him, that he isn't misbehaving, that he has his own spin on things.
As we were walking to the car, I pondered what was so disturbing to that woman in the restaurant, what could have made her stare at us, what made her friends keep turning around, all looking so.... put out by our presence. Was it that they thought my son wasn't "acting right" and that my husband and I weren't being good parents, weren't being strict enough with him? Although this is probably the most likely answer, it seems pretty unwarranted on this day.
I am probably being a little paranoid here, but something just doesn't make sense. Since I've not encountered this type of attitude before (although it could be around me all the time, like I said, I am purposely oblivious to typical people's reactions), I really started to wonder. Could it have been that the people at the other table didn't think we, as a family, should be out in public because my son isn't "normal"? That we had no business going out for lunch where everybody could see us? That they preferred we stayed home, out of sight?
Since I don't know the answer and never will, I thought, I will be ready next time. Next time, I will get up from my seat, walk over to the table of gawkers, and introduce myself. I will say, "I'm sorry, I saw you watching at us and I figured you must know me but I'm afraid I can't place you." If they have the decency to be uncomfortable at that point, I will just apologize and say, "My mistake, enjoy your lunch." But if they answer back with anything -- ANYTHING -- that has to do with my son or my friends I will make sure to let them know that these children have autism, and they love coming to lunch. And they have just as much right to come to Cracker Barrel and anywhere else they like to go. And I will tell those people that they'd better get used to it, because we are not going to keep our children home. And then I will call my little guy over and I will introduce him, and I will say, it was nice to meet you all.
Because I am going to show my son we have better manners than those that would stare and be disapproving of a seven year old boy who is laughing and enjoying his mashed potatoes and being out on a sunny day for lunch with this friends.
I will be ready next time.
GGrrrrrrr! Rude, judgmental, nasty people...yuck!
ReplyDeleteThey are not worth the time you are taking to think about them.
I'm really glad you wrote this. I had a really similar post in my head that I haven't written yet. I had Jack with me at an event at Sam's school and he was being good, but he was obviously not typical and this grandmother was practically gawking at him. I was furious. But I didn't trust myself to not be antagonistic and angry. I didn't say anything. It was the next day that it occurred to me that this was the perfect opportunity to silently hand out the Autism Society cards that spell out in simple non-antagonistic terms how people with autism might be different in public. It was a teaching moment and I totally missed it. Next time, like you, I'll be ready. Because you know what is more disruptive and ruder than an autistic kid being himself in public? Jackasses staring at them.
ReplyDeleteAugh!
ReplyDeleteI used to do direct care for adults with cerebral palsy. Usually, almost always there was someone who was thoroughly offended that they were out having lunch in a restaurant, in their wheelchair on the mall, in line for a movie, or maybe going to the library touching the children's books. (Going to the library was my idea, new for the program)
Sometimes, if I hadn't been the one responsible for my person, I would have pounded the other people's faces into the cement.
I thought I would feel better today, but I don't. Just more resolved to make sure me and my friends invade every single aspect of typical society that appeals to us. My mother-in-law had a saying, "F*ck the begrudgers!" God bless her proud Irish self.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was in my early 20's, I had braces and headgear, which I wore 24/7. I got a lot of looks, some not so nice. One evening, late, stopped at a red light, 4 large drunk men came out of a restaurant, spotted me, surrounded my car, and were pointing and laughing. I felt like s***. Next time I got a disgusted look from someone, i went up and spoke to them, explained what the thing on my head was, and talked about how braces might help her.
ReplyDeleteIt was a shock to me, those looks of disgust, and even though my differentness was temporary, I have not forgotten how it made me feel.
On the opposite end of the spectrum was a cute young man tending bar in London who asked me how we could kiss, and I showed him how the headgear came off.
Life has appointed you the ambassador, one ignoramus at a time.